Who am I

I have another blog on which I write about my adventures as a gardener/farmer.  But there is so much more to me than that.  When I feel the need to write about something other than my gardening,  I have no appropriate venue in which to record my thoughts.  This got me to thinking about how simple my life is - I eat , I sleep, I love, I work - and yet how much more complex than that I am.  I am unique.  No one else in the world is like me.  Don't worry, I'm not self aggrandizing here.  Everybody is unique.  Some may try to hide their oddities in order to fit in with a social group, to be accepted by others.  But, honestly, there is no one else out there just like me.  Or you.  Or her.  Or him.  If I'm wrong, I invite you to let me know.
Some of my uniqueness- I am the daughter of a 20 year Marine.  I was conceived in Kentucky, born in Virginia, and spent the first twenty years of my life wandering the globe - Okinawa, Hawai'i, California to name a few.  I married a Marine who was a piss poor excuse for one.  I stayed married to that fool even after he was discharged from the Marine Corps less than honorably.  I divorced him eight years later, however, for the same things that caused his disgrace in service.  I have a daughter and a son.  I have a wonderful husband.  My parents still refuse to settle down having moved to Belgium.  I have settled in my family's home state.  I have a sister and a brother.  I am the eldest of three.  I love accounting.  My husband does not love his job and would love to go back into social work.  I want to be a foster/adoptive parent but will have to wait until my own are out of the house.  According to my husband, that would be best for their well-being and safety. 
I am anti-social.  That doesn't mean I sit on the computer or holed up in my house all day.  I go out.  I speak to people.  But, with a combination of my anxiety in groups and the social awkwardness enhanced by a childhood consisting of moving every couple of years, I don't like to mingle with people.  That may be why I find the concept of blogging so appealing. I can throw my thoughts out there and see if they catch like minded people.  I don't do well at hiding my oddities to fit in.  So I choose to flaunt them and see what happens.  This approach managed to catch me the love of my life.  This is another reason I am writing a second blog.  I tend to post the farming blog on Facebook.  I don't have many friends on Facebook, but those I do are all people I know to some degree or another.  But outside of accepting family and my husband, those friends don't know a whole lot about the real me.  I don't want to throw it out to them.  If they happen upon it, so be it.  But I will not shove their faces into it.  I am who I am.  I will not change this.  But I do have to make concessions in order to function in this world.
I have a strong anxiety involving making phone calls.  It is difficult to explain.  I have tried.  Even my mother, who suffers from this same anxiety a bit, doesn't understand completely.  She has managed to overcome it enough to make phone calls daily at work.  I know I need to pick up the phone.  I know it won't hurt me to talk to another person.  I know I really could care less what they think of me.  But, I find every reason in the world to procrastinate until it is no longer necessary.
There is quite the list of oddities in my family tree.  Grandmothers who suffered from manic depression-possibly & agoraphobia.  Ornery and mean great grandfather.  Alcoholism.  Resignation.  I make it all sound horrible.  But my family life has always, with the exception of the 8 years with the dreaded ex, been wonderfully happy.  Ups and downs, here and there.  But all in all, I good simple life...of complexity.
I have many, varied interests.  I have always wanted to be an author.  I love to read.  Hiking is a passion I rarely get a chance to indulge.  I love needlework.  I look forward to every spring when I am able to till the earth and stick my hands in dirt to grow some new life for the dinner table.  I love swimming.  I grew up around the ocean, but have lived so very far from it for fifteen years.  I would swim all day long if possible, but my asthma precludes that wish.  The lungs just don't like to hold the air in that long.  I have been a Cub Scout leader and enjoyed it so much , I would love to continue even though my son has moved on to Boy Scouts.  History is the field I thought I would go into when I started college so long ago.  But it ended up being numbers and I have no complaints. 
I am as white as white can be with European ancestors I can trace back hundreds of years.  But I really don't understand what that means.  I am American.  Plain and simple.  I was American when I lived in Okinawa and all my friends were either natives or other military BRATs-white, black, mixed, Asian, blue, yellow.  I never thought there was a difference among us due to skin color.  It was adulthood that taught me how others felt. 
This is me.  But such a small piece of me.  It has taken 35 years for me to know myself as well as I do.  How can I expect another to know me half so well.  I guess all anybody really wants is acceptance of who they are.  I find there are few who accept me completely as I am.  Or maybe I just choose to be careful who I show all of myself to.  This blog is my attempt to show the world who I am.  My sending of myself into the cosmos.  Take me as I am or don't take me at all.  I am finally comfortable with me.